my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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