Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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