Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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