The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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