You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
