Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
