There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
