so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
