we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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