How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
