Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
