So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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