I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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