Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
