I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
