The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
