he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
