why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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