I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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