Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
