Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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