She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
