My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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