im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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