Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
