I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
