4 words: hood of his car
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
