I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
