I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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