your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
