so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
