i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
