I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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