I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
