Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
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woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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