Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
