He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
