I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
