I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
