dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
