I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
