I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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