I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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