I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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