There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
