She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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