I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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