If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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