We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
