Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I checked into jail on foursquare
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
