Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
