I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
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I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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