How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
